Bhabizilla

Bahu/Bhabi*: A timid and docile person, subjugated by the evil family of her husband. 
 
*Bahu: Son's wife. Bhabi: Brother's wife

Alas, I am talking about a bygone era. Nowadays, these creatures are self-centered and obstinate, and their sole aim is to separate the hubby from his family. The man should orbit around planet wife only. They consider themselves all-knowing, all-wise demigoddesses and expect to be treated as such! 

Husbands who do cave in to their "masters" need to be rechristened in my humble opinion. They should change their last names to their wife’s family name. It really would be more fitting as they consider themselves to be part of the dearly beloved's family.

The hubby having only one sister is also  the worst case scenario (best=none) as far as bhabis are concerned. Being the only sister of two brothers, I am basically a thorn in the side of these queens mostly because I am everyone's favorite. How dare anyone get special treatment in the presence of the revered deity?! A reprehensible blasphemy indeed!

It is quite lamentable that they are still portrayed as meek and obedient, while the in-laws are the heinous ones.Of course, there are many instances of the latter being malevolent but that is another story for another time!

Foreign Gifts to Third World Relatives

Most expatriates think that their relatives in third world countries (I fall in this category) live in the dark ages when it comes to sending gifts. We do have internet here and keep up with the latest trends. Gone are the days when anything imported was considered the holy grail and senders were thanked profusely. Nowadays, everything is available in the so called old countries but us backward and sorry creatures still request our relatives to bring presents. After all, we are entertaining them and clearing our schedules to accommodate their shopping expeditions. Some sort of compensation is due at least. 

We get the worst gifts ever. They seem to be picked out from the bargain bins of different stores. This time around I was bestowed with a shiny green fleece and shocking pink sandals (horrendous eyesores). I prefer subdued colors so haven't worn either and probably never will.

I suppose there are exceptions to the rule and a lucky few do receive nice gifts from their relatives living abroad, I'm just not one of them!

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Vacation in Purgatory

I went on a really boring vacation this past summer. It wasn't my idea in the first place which made it even worse.

The vacation turned out to be more dreadful than I could have ever imagined. I was sick and bed ridden throughout.  Time seemed to pass by at a snail’s pace there.

I did go for a walk the second day which wasn't so bad. But walking on the same track ad infinitum, uphill and downhill has its limits.  Besides, my knees don't allow me to do such rigorous exercise.

Also, it became very crowded and noisy there as the hosts' children and grandchildren came for an extended vacation. Children = Demons/Fiends/Trolls.

My dream vacation destinations are Greece & Italy (since forever). Slim chance of it happening though! I'll probably won't even get a visa. Plus, the family finds my interest in mythology and history odd and incongruous. The prospect of visiting a bunch of ruins as recreation is beyond their comprehension! 

Highway to Hell

Driving to my former workplace was absolutely unbearable. The traffic was awful. Moreover, it was the prime location for public protests. During these demonstrations by the disgruntled populace, the traffic was either diverted to the side roads or completely blocked. Vehicles stood bumper to bumper for hours on end! This extended my already lengthy travel time. By the time I reached home I couldn't even stand straight owing to being cooped up in the car for what seemed like an eternity. A dire situation indeed!

The journey was also rather momentous. Check posts, bridges, 7-8 traffic signals, hoards of rickshaws and motorcycles, and a whole lot of exceptionally bad car drivers. Driving was a stressful experience in such abysmal circumstances. I would curse other drivers most of the time for their moronic driving. Pretty sure they would be doing the same. I hit two or three motorcycles in the beginning, bumped into the cones and spikes at the check post (damaging the car in the process), and got my first “traffic violation” ticket on my birthday. It was a very minor violation, something people do all the time but I guess it wasn't my lucky day. Infuriating indeed!

VVIP Movement was also a common occurrence in that part of the city. Again, traffic was blocked for hours just so His Excellency would enjoy a smooth run accompanied by numerous security vehicles.

The last straw was when I crashed my car into a squad car which was escorting some big shot’s son to school.  There was quite a bit of damage. Very perturbing! They finally paid up after dilly dallying for almost four months.

Presently, I am on a hiatus from driving.  Quite sure when I start again, I wouldn't want to. My nerves are frayed!

 We had two drivers in a span of ten months before I started driving myself, and they got on our nerves. I thoroughly disliked them. And, they were extremely lazy and high maintenance. One of them used to rest in the basement of the office the whole day and then did the same at home.  Utmost sloth. 

The Hypocritical Oath

I have been to many doctors for the treatment of my various ailments for as long as I can remember, both physicians and alternative medicine practitioners. I especially despised the “hakims” (herbal medicine practitioner) with their bitter tasting medicines and the accompanying dietary restrictions.  No ice-cream, no candy, no fried food, no nothing! It took great willpower to follow such instructions at such a young age but I was able to accomplish this feat. Yet another ode to my fortitude!

Most of them are a distant memory. However, two come to mind as far as being memorable is concerned: one a doctor and the other a homeopath.

I unequivocally loathed the doctor. He was the Devil incarnate, every appointment an ordeal of epic proportions. Once he asked me the recipe of some breakfast item as I had told him I was taking cooking classes. The answer was easy according to him but when I could not respond correctly (the usual case), he proclaimed my responses to be slow! So in his expert opinion:

Me= Thickheaded + Dense + Dimwitted

I was only able to escape from his clutches when my final exams started. The latter being the lesser of two evils. Reasonably sure he must be a grumpy old man now.

The homeopath is also etched in my memory but for completely different reasons. The environs of her clinic were noteworthy. Actually, she had converted her garage into a clinic and there was no waiting room. Hence, everyone had to give a detailed narration of their illnesses and other awkward details which was exceedingly uncomfortable. Also, her favorite word was “symptomatic”. One memorable case there was of a 40something man whose complaint was that his black hair turns gray and then returns to its original shade. Mind-boggling indeed!  Anyway, I will refrain from further malice because Demortuis nihil nisi bonum (let nothing but good be spoken of the dead). She passed away a few years back.

Recently, my doctors’ visits have increased manifold. I've been to five different doctors in as many months. One refers me to another, it’s a vicious cycle. One of these illustrious five gave me six medicines for three symptoms. It just made everything worse.

Next, I went to another well renowned doctor whose appointment waiting period is at least six months. I was certainly privileged to have gotten one on an urgent basis (read: through someone). He did not give me any new medicines. Instead, I was handed a hefty bill for consultation and a minor test which I would have otherwise have gotten done for free. Very peeved I was! 

Fish Market Blues

My previous job (fish market) was a government one. There was massive over-staffing and all appointments were made on the basis of some sort of reference. A person who only had a high school education was hired as vice president just because he was a former minister’s son! How can such an organization make any progress?! Ironic indeed because “development” is part of the name of that highly esteemed and prestigious organization!

It was very frustrating when I saw people who were less qualified get inducted at higher grades. And they were treated like royalty. I also had to drive forty five minutes to get to that godforsaken place. The drivers there thought they were doing me a big, huge favor by parking my car. In contrast, they were at the beck and call of the royal highnesses.  Exasperated, I decided to park outside which extended my travel time to that hell-hole even further. In the last couple of months I was there, I got into a major accident and after that I really didn't feel like going there.

The people there used to have “fish parties” in the winters where they devoured enormous quantities of fish in a not so orderly manner. Gorging is a more appropriate word for the way they ate. Afterwards, everything reeked of fish which was absolutely revolting. In the summers, they gobbled up innumerable mangoes. That wasn’t exactly a sight to behold either. Gluttony personified!

They were also the embodiment of sloth. The golden rule was “look busy, do nothing”. Others spent their days spewing (so called) pearls of wisdom.  Some were inclined towards ogling.

Moreover, the organization seemed to be operating in a prehistoric era where all the work was done manually. All entries were made in huge ledgers and the fish and mango eaters preferred this ancient system. They were unwilling to change as is the case of most old timers.

Besides, I didn't fit into the Punjabi speaking, noisy setting.  An ode to my patience and perseverance for enduring this torture for almost four years!

Alma Matters

I did my MBA from Lahore School of Economics (LSE). It is a very good school although people think it’s sort of a “party school” but this is not the case. We had a rigorous schedule of study there and even attended classes on Sunday! Anyway, this education provided everyone with numerous and lucrative career opportunities after graduation. Everyone except for me of course but that is a separate matter.

There was a professor who despised me for reasons beyond my comprehension. Eventually, the feelings became mutual. He used to humiliate me in front of the entire class every time! The ultimate degradation occurred in the last class when he asked me a question (he always asked me) which I answered and he said, “Finally, you have learned something!” He had studied in Nagpur University, India and really was a “Nag” (snake)!!

  I had a case of “hate at first sight” there: a guy who really annoyed me for no particular reason at first. I thought that would be the end of it but to my horror, he latched on to a girl in my group. A girl of the egoistical variety (mentioned earlier). She perceived herself to be the most beautiful girl in the class!  He, on the hand, was kind of pudgy but considered himself model material.  Some people really do live in a Fool's Paradise! Stunning and lovely she was to him but alas he was "friend-zoned". A truly lamentable situation.

 I can’t believe I was friends with such phony people. The inevitable happened: I got tired of this absurdity and was cut out as I am not the idolizing type.They even cut me out of the final presentation of a course too! Now that is completely unforgivable and I’m not one to forgive and forget.