The Hypocritical Oath

I have been to many doctors for the treatment of my various ailments for as long as I can remember, both physicians and alternative medicine practitioners. I especially despised the “hakims” (herbal medicine practitioner) with their bitter tasting medicines and the accompanying dietary restrictions.  No ice-cream, no candy, no fried food, no nothing! It took great willpower to follow such instructions at such a young age but I was able to accomplish this feat. Yet another ode to my fortitude!

Most of them are a distant memory. However, two come to mind as far as being memorable is concerned: one a doctor and the other a homeopath.

I unequivocally loathed the doctor. He was the Devil incarnate, every appointment an ordeal of epic proportions. Once he asked me the recipe of some breakfast item as I had told him I was taking cooking classes. The answer was easy according to him but when I could not respond correctly (the usual case), he proclaimed my responses to be slow! So in his expert opinion:

Me= Thickheaded + Dense + Dimwitted

I was only able to escape from his clutches when my final exams started. The latter being the lesser of two evils. Reasonably sure he must be a grumpy old man now.

The homeopath is also etched in my memory but for completely different reasons. The environs of her clinic were noteworthy. Actually, she had converted her garage into a clinic and there was no waiting room. Hence, everyone had to give a detailed narration of their illnesses and other awkward details which was exceedingly uncomfortable. Also, her favorite word was “symptomatic”. One memorable case there was of a 40something man whose complaint was that his black hair turns gray and then returns to its original shade. Mind-boggling indeed!  Anyway, I will refrain from further malice because Demortuis nihil nisi bonum (let nothing but good be spoken of the dead). She passed away a few years back.

Recently, my doctors’ visits have increased manifold. I've been to five different doctors in as many months. One refers me to another, it’s a vicious cycle. One of these illustrious five gave me six medicines for three symptoms. It just made everything worse.

Next, I went to another well renowned doctor whose appointment waiting period is at least six months. I was certainly privileged to have gotten one on an urgent basis (read: through someone). He did not give me any new medicines. Instead, I was handed a hefty bill for consultation and a minor test which I would have otherwise have gotten done for free. Very peeved I was! 

Fish Market Blues

My previous job (fish market) was a government one. There was massive over-staffing and all appointments were made on the basis of some sort of reference. A person who only had a high school education was hired as vice president just because he was a former minister’s son! How can such an organization make any progress?! Ironic indeed because “development” is part of the name of that highly esteemed and prestigious organization!

It was very frustrating when I saw people who were less qualified get inducted at higher grades. And they were treated like royalty. I also had to drive forty five minutes to get to that godforsaken place. The drivers there thought they were doing me a big, huge favor by parking my car. In contrast, they were at the beck and call of the royal highnesses.  Exasperated, I decided to park outside which extended my travel time to that hell-hole even further. In the last couple of months I was there, I got into a major accident and after that I really didn't feel like going there.

The people there used to have “fish parties” in the winters where they devoured enormous quantities of fish in a not so orderly manner. Gorging is a more appropriate word for the way they ate. Afterwards, everything reeked of fish which was absolutely revolting. In the summers, they gobbled up innumerable mangoes. That wasn’t exactly a sight to behold either. Gluttony personified!

They were also the embodiment of sloth. The golden rule was “look busy, do nothing”. Others spent their days spewing (so called) pearls of wisdom.  Some were inclined towards ogling.

Moreover, the organization seemed to be operating in a prehistoric era where all the work was done manually. All entries were made in huge ledgers and the fish and mango eaters preferred this ancient system. They were unwilling to change as is the case of most old timers.

Besides, I didn't fit into the Punjabi speaking, noisy setting.  An ode to my patience and perseverance for enduring this torture for almost four years!

Alma Matters

I did my MBA from Lahore School of Economics (LSE). It is a very good school although people think it’s sort of a “party school” but this is not the case. We had a rigorous schedule of study there and even attended classes on Sunday! Anyway, this education provided everyone with numerous and lucrative career opportunities after graduation. Everyone except for me of course but that is a separate matter.

There was a professor who despised me for reasons beyond my comprehension. Eventually, the feelings became mutual. He used to humiliate me in front of the entire class every time! The ultimate degradation occurred in the last class when he asked me a question (he always asked me) which I answered and he said, “Finally, you have learned something!” He had studied in Nagpur University, India and really was a “Nag” (snake)!!

  I had a case of “hate at first sight” there: a guy who really annoyed me for no particular reason at first. I thought that would be the end of it but to my horror, he latched on to a girl in my group. A girl of the egoistical variety (mentioned earlier). She perceived herself to be the most beautiful girl in the class!  He, on the hand, was kind of pudgy but considered himself model material.  Some people really do live in a Fool's Paradise! Stunning and lovely she was to him but alas he was "friend-zoned". A truly lamentable situation.

 I can’t believe I was friends with such phony people. The inevitable happened: I got tired of this absurdity and was cut out as I am not the idolizing type.They even cut me out of the final presentation of a course too! Now that is completely unforgivable and I’m not one to forgive and forget. 

The Vicious Circle

I've had friends in the past but they were mostly self-centered and egocentric. There has always been one in every group and my tolerance threshold for these self-obsessed narcissists is quite low. And of course the others stay to worship at their altar and I’m cut out. I do better on my own, no friends no fights. Simple and uncomplicated, In any case, they really don’t deserve a kind, loyal and sincere friend like me!

It is pertinent to mention that I was a good friend to them. I listened to their rambling and complaining about random stuff and gave appropriate commentary at regular intervals. It got tedious and wearisome after a while. Downright painful sometimes, that’s how mind-numbingly boring it was.

These words do seem a bit harsh though as I am not exactly the paragon of magnetism or charisma! Quite the opposite in fact. The few friends I do have survived the onslaught of my crabby, grouchy and grumpy nature over the past many years.

Hatred Personified Pt.2

Continued

    4.       Pakistani dramas: One of the reasons I detest these is because they endorse the “trolley” culture (mentioned in part 1) and all revolve around marriage. There are also love triangles, quadrangles and so on. Moreover, the actors are all the same. And they can’t act to save their lives! I don’t know their names, me and my family just have nicknames for them e.g. Goofy (he can only move his eyebrows), Statue (she only moves her lips) and of course there is a truckload of Crybabies! And they promote violence against women. Slapping is no big deal at all.

     There are names are extraordinarily difficult and bizarre as well. They do not even remotely reflect the subject matter. Why can’t they just have simple names like Revenge, Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries?!? (I watch these shows, among others). 

5.    Everything Indian: I’m the 0.0001% minority who isn’t completely besotted with our wonderful neighbors. I abhor Indian movies, dramas, songs, gossip etc. I change the channel whenever our illustrious electronic media is giving “entertainment” news. Why can’t people get it through their thick heads that there can never be any “Aman ki Asha”?! When will we stop bending over backwards for them? They are killing our citizens and this Pakistani majority couldn’t care less. How can we be so insensitive and callous?!?

6. Children: Everybody finds it odd that I hate children. What’s to like? They are annoying, noisy urchins who irritate me to no end. I try to avoid them at all costs, even their presence is bothersome!

End of this tirade (at least for now)

Hatred Personified Pt.1

Basically, I am a cynic and a hater! I love to hate. I believe in hate at first sight (quite a few instances). The despicable list is endless.  Here’s just the tip of the iceberg:

1.       Marriage bureaus: Glorified rishta (matrimonial) aunties. These creatures have been the bane of my existence for the past six years!! I wish they would just leave me alone. I loathe being interrogated and scrutinized by b*itchy aunties with their a-hole sons who are there to enjoy the tea and other food items. I’d rather stay single, an idyllic life where I have no responsibilities. Why is it that the girl always has to bring the “trolley” in and then serve the honorable guests? Doesn’t this signify that us poor souls will be serving in-laws and leading a subjugated life till we die?!? Also, the following options are available to me, metaphorically speaking, as I am a “late case” (all single females above 25 are late):

What's more even these kind of men want 21 year old "white, beautiful" girls (marriage bureau lingo)! Some leeway maybe given if the female is a foreign national and/or has a professional degree.

    I cannot fathom why men aren't considered old. I recently read a matrimonial ad where the prospective groom was a young, 50 year old! Unbelievable!!

 2.     Random nosy Aunties/Uncles: These are the ones who are interested in my marital status for no reason whatsoever. They pester my parents into getting me married off to anyone who comes along, we shouldn't be “choosy” at my age (so, so late). Why can’t people mind their own business?!

3.  Self-centered people:  This is the reason I only have a few friends. These folks just cannot shut their pie hole. Enough said.

      

 To Be Continued

Self-deprecation

It seems like I am stuck in a rut. My life is dull and boring, a never-changing tedium. As I don’t have anything better to do, I decided to start this blog to share the details of my dreary and mundane life.  Truth be told, I was coaxed into writing it because I consider my writing skills as below average. But, if something as nonsensical as “Fifty Shades of Grey” can become a bestseller, I think I’ll begin this lackadaisical blog. 

Actually, I have a respectable job where I am left alone with unlimited Internet access. I am the figure-head of a department, much like the Queen of England! Checking relevant documents for discrepancies and then signing them is all that I do.  I can even doze off if I want. 

My previous workplace was a house of horrors. I had nicknamed it “the fish market” as there was a constant buzz. Everyone was either shouting at each other (considered a normal conversation there) or on the phone doing the same. I credit them for rupturing my eardrums and decimating my brain cells.  I think this is the reason I’m kind of dimwitted now. I worked there for 4 years and was only able to break free this January! Of course, there were other motives for my departure but more on those later.